Earlier today, the Daily Mail posted a story about praising kids and the damage it can cause. The story appeared as a new book NurtureShock has parents across the globe wondering whether they’re too nice, too strict, totally awesome, or just totally inept.
The Daily Mail’s opening line reads,
“Lavishing compliments on youngsters for doing something trivial actually demotivates them, experts say.”
To this I say, isn’t that obvious? I mean, I’d expect a puppy to be motivated by receiving a strip of dehydrated bacon every time he doesn’t pee on the carpet. But if I was a seven year old kid, I think the bacon would start to loose its meaning pretty quickly.
Isn't Everyone a Winner? No.
And I think part of the problem is that too many parents do reward their kids for not doing something, rather than rewarding them for doing something challenging and doing it well. There’s a big difference between, offering “Amazing job, Bobby, you stayed inside the lines!” for a piece of sloppy scribble and “Well done, Bobby, this shows you took your time” for painting a genuinely decent picture.
And as this is a Stanford blog, I’ll mention that Stanford got its nod in the article:
“[NurtureShock authors Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson] cite an analysis of 150 studies at Stanford University, in California, which has found that students who are over-praised become risk-averse, make less effort and are less selfmotivated.”
Now, if your kid is actually talented, the chances are that he will know it. He won’t need you to unnecessarily inflate his ego with praise. And if your kid is not talented, he will know you are lying to him.
It’s simple: just don’t praise your kid. Why should you worship a child? Naturally talented kids will probably go on to believe their natural talent is enough to succeed in life, and once the shock of reality hits, it will be too late for them to actually build a foundation for that talent. And the naturally untalented kids? They will think the undue praise is an affirmation of their inability to succeed. Untalented kids can succeed — they just need to put in more work to make up for nature.
One place where I did disagree with Merryman and Bronson, is when they say,
“for compliments to work they have to be limited, sincere and about effort rather than achievement.”
I’m confused about why we should not compliment our kids on achievement. Achievement is real, despite what the “Everyone’s a winner!” crowd might believe. In life, there are winners and there are losers. I know that I’m going to promote winning and achievement in my household. But I’m going to promote winning through the formation of a skilled foundation, a need for quality work, personal responsibility, a moral core, and an aversion toward contentment.
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My father wanted us to be humble so he never praised us. Never. After a while, I stopped trying. After a while, my brother left home and found a family where he felt respected. Anecdotal but maybe useful.
I read the book, largely because Bronson is a cousin, and found much that I disagreed with. As with most of life balance and keeping it real is the key to success. Of course kids need praise and encouragement, but as stated it needs to be earned through real accomplishment and the praise should be proportional and genuine. A parenting style that seeks to build and protect a false self esteem through hollow praise and loosely structured guidance or restrictions, seeking to elinimate any negative, is bound to fail. Every kid is different, but they all need encouragement, structure, rewards, and punishment to help them grow into an understanding of both themselves and the world around them. Genuine praise, offered with love and appreciation is a healthy part of the mix that leads to success.
Scotsman and Vicki, my disagreement with the two of you may be a small issue of semantics, so let me give it a shot. I do think that for many parents, their idea of praise is to shower admiration on their children — for both the difficult and for the mundane. What it often amounts to is a show of worship in which the child becomes a sort of infallible deity. In my opinion, no one deserves worship but God.
However, I am in complete support of recognition and encouragement. I will recognize when something was done well and when something could have been done much better. I think it is important to be realistic about success and failure because I do believe my kids won’t deserve lies being fed to them. Like I said, children are intuitive and they can feel hollow compliments. So when my child is struggling, I think my key role will be to recognize it and especially to offer encouragement. Encouragement should always come into play, but it is even more crucial when facing difficulty.
Not sure what difficulty Autumn has with my personal story. All I am saying is that my father never said he was proud of us, never said “good work” or congratulations” or “well done.” None of that was in his vocabulary. Nothing to disagree with there.
Vicki, I took your original use of “praise” to be the same as that in the article — unwarranted and overdone. You said, “My father wanted us to be humble so he never praised us. Never. After a while, I stopped trying.” And in your story, you implied that you disagreed with your father’s failure to praise you. From your story, I was disagreeing with you take and agreeing with your father’s methods. I would not give my children unwarranted and overdone praise.
Now with your elaboration in the follow-up, I’d say that your father’s never showing that he was proud of you was not right. As I said in my previous comment, “I am in complete support of recognition and encouragement. I will recognize when something was done well and when something could have been done much better.”