The Last Page
Al Gore's Cabinet-To-Be
We all know that if Bush wins the election there will be a brain drain on campus as he fills his cabinet with Stanford professors. But that's not a reason to vote for Gore: if Gore wins here are a few people he may be taking with him to Washington.

Secretary of Education
Gerhard Casper

Finally elementary school students the nation over will be able to pronounce our motto in the original German.

Secretary of Energy
Head of the Post Office

He kept your mail safe from you, he can keep nuclear secrets safe from the Chinese.

Postmaster General
Mike Osofsky

Now he can take pictures of any Post Office he wants.

Attorney General
Seth Newton

This is a man Gore can trust to "investigate campaign violations to the fullest."

Secretary of the Interior
Paul Ehrlich

Finally, someone even more pessimistic than Gore about the environment.

Secretary of State
The Tree

She can make Russia love us just like Notre Dame does.

Secretary of Housing
Head of the OSA

Convert old frat houses into low income housing. He's certainly not going to let the fraternities live there.

Secretary of Defense
William Cohen

He can send peacekeeping troops to the Foothills to quell all those angry rioters.

Secretary of Treasury
Donald Kennedy

He can use some of those Indirect Costs to put up new drapes in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Surgeon General
Head of Ye Olde Sex Shoppe

The nation can finish what Jocelyn Elders started and reinstitute masturbation as a form of primary education.

Head of the FDA
Head of Wilbur Dining

With inside connections, maybe the food in Wilbur and Stern can finally pass FDA quality control regulations.

Press Secretary
The Daily Editorial Board

It's done well enough as press secretary for the administration. It might as well move on to bigger and better things.

Page last modified on Wednesday, 01-Mar-2006 23:54:17 MST.