Walking along the beach in Santa Cruz today, observing all the overweight, poor, and generally unattractive people, it dawned upon me that I truly am superior to most everyone else. I mean, just look at me. I go to Stanford, I'm extremely intelligent, I'm in good shape, I'm socially apt, and, most importantly, I'm rich.

Dont get me wrong -- I'm sure a lot of those unattractive middle-aged people have something very unique and amazing about them to offer to the world, but let's be honest with ourselves here a not all of them do. In fact, most of them do not. I am fairly certain that a good chunk of them spend most of their time eating at McDonald's and wondering when the Arch Deluxe will finally make its triumphant return.

Dont get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle you, the reader, or the Stanford community in general; it's full of talented, amazing people who should be very proud of their unique skills and abilities. Just not as proud as I am.

These days, you cant leave the gates of your estate or turn on your plasma HDTV with Bang & Olufsen multi-directional surround-sound speakers without hearing the word "equality" being repeatedly crammed down your throat at every turn. Different is inherently unequal, and I am certainly "different" than 99% of other people. Wait, make that 99.9999% - I forgot to include the Stanford Democrats in the original calculation. If no two people are exactly the same, then no two people are exactly equal aaone will always be better than the other. Uniqueness is a positive attribute, but one can be better at being unique than another if ones uniqueness is presented in a more interesting and witty way. Let's be very clear about the fact that just because you do something differently than someone else doesn't mean that you are as good as they are a I mean, when I enter a room wearing thousands of dollars worth of designer, custom-fitted clothing and sit down next to your fat ass in your hideous, mismatched, patchwork collection of rags that the Gap is calling an outfit, I do indeed look objectively better than you.

It's not that you are as good looking as I but just in a different way: you are ugly, your clothes dont match (in fact they smell a bit -- have you washed them in the last three weeks?), and you have no concept of what it takes to succeed. Perhaps you could learn something by looking at me?

Recognizing that I'm one of the most amazing gems this Earth has to offer, I realize that there's even room for someone as amazing as myself to improve. But this realization only comes after giving up on the childhood fantasy of everyone being equal. With all this talk of equality, no one ever admits to themselves, "Hey, this person actually is a lot better than I, maybe this person has traits that I can emulate that will make me a better person!" No one considers the fact that maybe they are not the best they can possibly be. In a world of complete equality, feelings of inadequacy are simply disregarded as the conscious minds error at recognizing a different expression of uniqueness. But certain people are simply better at life than other people, and recognizing these differences provides an example through which one can realize one's own potential for self-improvement. There are in fact a handful of people in the world who are better than I am, but they will not be so for long, because as soon as I meet them I will copy their best traits, continuing my upward trend of self-improvement until the heavens themselves open their gates in awe of my utter perfection.

On second thought, ignore this article - don't change your behaviour. I like the status quo. In a country full of losers ascribing their faults and inadequacies to inexplicable and ill-defined "unique characteristics", there is no room for self-improvement. After all, emulation of superior characteristics threatens to destroy your unique character. This all just means there will be less competition for me!

Well suckers, enjoy basking in all of your unique diversity, but in the mean time, I will be drinking the best champagnes, entertaining the most beautiful women, enjoying my extremely well-compensated job, attending the most exclusive parties, and vacationing in the most exotic locations in the world. If you want to really break the mold and be truly unique, embrace something none of your peers dare: pure, unadulterated elitism.

~ DSC