by Chris Fish

With all of campus spirit directed towards the Vagina Monologues, the Review felt it important to bring to light a lesser known but equally significant piece of work: The Penis Dialogues.

After performing hundreds of interviews with men of all ages and from all areas, asking the question "What is your relationship with your penis?" the Penis Dialogues was born. The Dialogues are a series of skits that are a collage of these interviewees' unique relationships with their genitalia. It is meant to reveal the mystery and remove the stigma surrounding the Johnson. Let's take a closer look at a few brave men who were willing to open their hearts and their pants:

Man's Best Friend

My name is Chuck and I've had more women than you've ever met. That is, had them in platonic friendships. Ever since I was a kid, all of my friends were girls. We just got along together better. We'd sit around and talk, well actually they'd talk, and talk, and talk some more, and occasionally I spoke, but usually they ignored me and kept talking, but we were really good friends, no really we were. I felt needed. Who else did all of these ladies get to turn to when the boy they were attracted to made an insensitive comment? Someone has to deal with that. But one day I got to thinking, "Why dont any of these girls actually like me?" I mean they say I'm the nicest, sweetest, and kindest guy they know, so why do they keep going for these jerks. Well the answer my friends is because I didn't know I had a penis.

One day, Jessica, my supposed "bestest friend in the whole wide world" called me to tell me about all the inane and irrelevant details of her latest encounter with some loser guy. But this time a torturous pain that had been building and building finally came to the surface and I said: "I dont care if he forgot your third week anniversary. Stop whining and stop calling." When I slammed the phone something was different. There was a pulsating self-empowerment emanating from my crotch.

My penis had escaped from its lockbox and ever since then Ive never had a problem meeting girls. Now when I meet a girl at a bar, she doesn't want to tell me about her boyfriend, she wants to tell me about her phone number.

Tiny Timothy Grows Up

My name is Max and I want to tell you the story of how my good friend Timothy grew into Tall Tim. My life was going nowhere. I found myself sitting in my one-room apartment, on a raggedy couch, alone, feeling small and powerless. Earlier that day at my dead-end job, the only attractive woman in the office, a secretary named Jean, passed by me to use the water cooler. My heart was rocked with fear and anxiety as I searched for something, anything, I could use to start a conversation with this lovely creature. So finally I said, "You look very lovely today Jean." She didn't even look at me and just hurried away. Later that day my boss pulled me aside and told me I was going to have to be let go. I'd always worked hard for the company and asked my boss why I was being let go and he said "We dont have time to deal with employees' insensitivities." Sitting there with no job, little money, and no where and no one to turn to I heard a little voice calling out to me. "Max, Max, Max." It was a voice I didnt recognize:

"Max, my name is Timothy, I'm your penis and Im here to help."

"Max, we havent talked in a long time, not since you discovered your dad's Playboy collection."

But I told Timothy: "It's ok, I dont need you anymore. I know it's wrong to make a comment about a woman's beauty; it turns her into an object. You, my penile friend, are evil."

"But Max, look where that ideology has brought you; when was the last time the feminists you aim to please so much showed you any gratitude, not to mention sex. Max, right or wrong, your penis is an integral part of you and to ignore me is to ignore reality. Let me tell you about my world. When a beautiful woman enters the room I stand at attention, a testament to her physical attractiveness. I don't wish to objectify her, I wish to congratulate her -- she's amazing looking. When your boss puts you down with his six year old intellect, I want to say ‘To hell with you and to hell with this job. When your mildly attractive next door neighbor asks to borrow the car for the seventh time in a week to visit her boyfriend, rather than feel lucky and hand her the keys I say ‘I need my car. I'm going out to meet ladies tonight.'

As Timothy shared his inner feelings with me a feeling arose like a phoenix from deep inside me. A feeling I could barely remember, a feeling I missed and that feeling was strength. Not just the strength to hit on women at a bar or to stand up to my boss, but the strength to be a man during a time where strong men are looked down upon and the weak are exalted. Well, I took Timothy's advice and now, three months later, Timothy and I have both grown into stronger men. And if you doubt that just ask Sarah, Rachel, Jessica, Laura, Mary... well you get the picture.

End of the Story

This art nouveau provides a stunning cultural context through which males can reestablish a sense of importance and relevance about their wee-wee's. Indeed, one wonders if the growing underground popularity of the Penis Dialogues will lead college males all around the country to grab their nut sacks and collectively scream "My penis is good and so am I."