The sun was rising on yet another beautiful day at Stanford University. Awaking from peaceful slumbers in their respective rooms, Stephen and David arose to find the latest issue of The Stanford Daily on their doorstep. After glancing over the headlines, they turned to their favourite column, Fireside Chats with Courtney Brigham and Caroline Ciccone. While perusing the article, they quickly realized that it was talking about them! Excited at the prospect of some form of positive recognition, the two Review writers grew giddy. However, after reading a few more sentences, they realized with the utmost dismay that the article was in fact mocking them. Imagine their horror, being made fun of by the two columnists whom they adored most by means of personal, physically descriptive and demeaning attacks. After the initial shock had passed, David and Stephen devised a plan to win over the hearts of the twin beauties Courtney and Caroline so that their existence would finally be validated.

The two young and dashing editors thought for hours about the best way to improve their standing with the two columnists and then came a brilliant idea. They would take the two girls out to dinner, wine them and dine them until they were convinced that the Review wasn’t so bad after all. With a swarm of butterflies in his stomach, Stephen picked up his phone, dialed Courtney’s number, and held his breath. “Hello?”, she picked up. “Hey, this is Stephen Cohen, the Editor of the Stanford Review.” Courtney replied in surprise, “Oh…hello. What’s up?” Stephen responded, “Yeah... I just read your article in The Daily about Dave and me, and we thought it would be a good idea to take you and Caroline out to dinner to, you know, talk about things.” Hesitant but deeply intrigued, Courtney replied, “Sure,” hoping to take advantage of the situation to garner more material with which to blast the Review’s staff. Relieved and excited, Stephen called David. Emanating a sense of pride and accomplishment Stephen said, “We just got a date with Courtney and Caroline. Let’s work this one to our advantage. Afterall, who can resist our intellectual cunning and conservative charm?”

The next week, the date was settled. With an 8:30 res. at Trader Vic’s on Friday, the two editors were confident that they would have a successful night. However, when Stephen and David first met up with the two lovely ladies, there was somewhat of a confrontation. Apparently, Courtney and Caroline still had some pent up aggression against the two editors that needed release. In one particularly wild fit of rage, the two girls picked up some nearby golf clubs and started violently beating Stephen and David. Their hatred of newspaper editors with small members and rat-tails infusing their arms with ungodly power, the girls swung at the two men violently. However, with a show of force and some much-needed moderation by outside parties, the flogging halted and order was restored.

With a ceasefire established, the Reviewers drove the two exquisite beauties to the restaurant, and the night truly began. Although the conversation was somewhat antagonistic at first, Stephen wisely ordered a Scorpion Bowl, a concoction not unlike the magical tea in the film Zoolander, and everyone bagan to loosen up a bit. After consuming several more of the deadly libations, time began to blur. The group quickly found themselves laughing at each other’s remarks and enjoying themselves immensely. All animosity seemed to disappear and the two pairs developed a new affinity for each other. After several courses and a rather large bill, Stephen and David decided to bring the party back to Stanford.

What ensued was a joyous and unprecedented conciliation. After a few minutes of idle banter, the real fun began. The room grew dim and only silhouettes could be seen. I can ensure you, dear reader, that a good time was had by all. The next morning, as the sun once again rose upon Stanford University, Stephen and David awoke with smiles on their faces, knowing that they had done well. They had confronted their opponents, turned them in the Right direction, and, most importantly, seduced them. With another two conversions under their belts, Stephen and David turned their eyes to their next target: Daily Columnist and Review-hater yet nonetheless lovely specimen of the female species, Julie Ruvolo.

Want the classy gents of the Stanford Review to show you a good time? Conservative charm, now only three mouse clicks away: editor@stanfordreview.org