sun was rising on yet another beautiful day at Stanford University.
Awaking from peaceful slumbers in their respective rooms, Stephen
and David arose to find the latest issue of The Stanford Daily on
their doorstep. After glancing over the headlines, they turned to
their favourite column, Fireside Chats with Courtney Brigham and
Caroline Ciccone. While perusing the article, they quickly realized
that it was talking about them! Excited at the prospect of some
form of positive recognition, the two Review writers grew giddy.
However, after reading a few more sentences, they realized with
the utmost dismay that the article was in fact mocking them. Imagine
their horror, being made fun of by the two columnists whom they
adored most by means of personal, physically descriptive and demeaning
attacks. After the initial shock had passed, David and Stephen devised
a plan to win over the hearts of the twin beauties Courtney and
Caroline so that their existence would finally be validated.
The two young and dashing editors
thought for hours about the best way to improve their standing with
the two columnists and then came a brilliant idea. They would take
the two girls out to dinner, wine them and dine them until they
were convinced that the Review wasn’t so bad after all. With
a swarm of butterflies in his stomach, Stephen picked up his phone,
dialed Courtney’s number, and held his breath. “Hello?”,
she picked up. “Hey, this is Stephen Cohen, the Editor of
the Stanford Review.” Courtney replied in surprise, “Oh…hello.
What’s up?” Stephen responded, “Yeah... I just
read your article in The Daily about Dave and me, and we thought
it would be a good idea to take you and Caroline out to dinner to,
you know, talk about things.” Hesitant but deeply intrigued,
Courtney replied, “Sure,” hoping to take advantage of
the situation to garner more material with which to blast the Review’s
staff. Relieved and excited, Stephen called David. Emanating a sense
of pride and accomplishment Stephen said, “We just got a date
with Courtney and Caroline. Let’s work this one to our advantage.
Afterall, who can resist our intellectual cunning and conservative
The next week, the date was settled.
With an 8:30 res. at Trader Vic’s on Friday, the two editors
were confident that they would have a successful night. However,
when Stephen and David first met up with the two lovely ladies,
there was somewhat of a confrontation. Apparently, Courtney and
Caroline still had some pent up aggression against the two editors
that needed release. In one particularly wild fit of rage, the two
girls picked up some nearby golf clubs and started violently beating
Stephen and David. Their hatred of newspaper editors with small
members and rat-tails infusing their arms with ungodly power, the
girls swung at the two men violently. However, with a show of force
and some much-needed moderation by outside parties, the flogging
halted and order was restored.
With a ceasefire established,
the Reviewers drove the two exquisite beauties to the restaurant,
and the night truly began. Although the conversation was somewhat
antagonistic at first, Stephen wisely ordered a Scorpion Bowl, a
concoction not unlike the magical tea in the film Zoolander, and
everyone bagan to loosen up a bit. After consuming several more
of the deadly libations, time began to blur. The group quickly found
themselves laughing at each other’s remarks and enjoying themselves
immensely. All animosity seemed to disappear and the two pairs developed
a new affinity for each other. After several courses and a rather
large bill, Stephen and David decided to bring the party back to
What ensued was a joyous and unprecedented
conciliation. After a few minutes of idle banter, the real fun began.
The room grew dim and only silhouettes could be seen. I can ensure
you, dear reader, that a good time was had by all. The next morning,
as the sun once again rose upon Stanford University, Stephen and
David awoke with smiles on their faces, knowing that they had done
well. They had confronted their opponents, turned them in the Right
direction, and, most importantly, seduced them. With another two
conversions under their belts, Stephen and David turned their eyes
to their next target: Daily Columnist and Review-hater yet nonetheless
lovely specimen of the female species, Julie Ruvolo.
Want the classy gents of the
Stanford Review to show you a good time? Conservative charm, now
only three mouse clicks away: email@example.com