An Elegy for IHUM

At the final faculty senate meeting last year, several faculty recited a skit  in honor of outgoing Chair Rosemary Knight. It also served as an elegy for the IHUM program:

[SAM Professor Russell Berman:]

“I am Sam
Sam IHUM.
To my classes
Frosh must come.”

STUDENT [Professor Ray Levitt]:
“That Sam IHUM.
That Sam IHUM
I do not like
His curriculum.”

[ Laughter ]

SAM:
“Do you like
Green eggs and IHUM?
Would you like them
Freshman year?”

STUDENT:
“I would NOT like them
Freshman year,
I would not like them
With a beer.
I do not like
Green eggs and IHUM.
I do not like them,
Sam IHUM.”

PROVOST [Himself]:
“That’s my cue!
Where’s Jim? Where’s Sue?
I have something fun
For you to do!
Please prepare a report.
I know just the sort!
A provost’s dream
We’ll call it SUES for short!”

[ Uproarious laughter ]

SUE [Professor Elizabeth Hadly]:
“Okay, Okay.
Whatever you say.
Sue’s Report.
I like the name.
Sign me up.
I guess I’m game.”

JIM [Professor Blas Cabrera]:
“SUES Report?
But of what sort?
What about the name?
If it’s all about the same
Why not Jim’s and Sue’s?”

[ Laughter erupts ]

“Or Sue’s and Jim’s?
Oh, that Provost
And his whims.”

SAM:
“A SUES Report?
I have just the thing!
It has a nice ring!
‘Oh the places you’ll go!’
It will make you sing!”

SUE:
“But which songs will they sing?
And what will they see?
Can they still count one thing
As if it were three?”

[ Laughter fills the room ]

JIM:
“With IHUM now in tatters,
Let’s show them Thinking Matters.
They need depth,
They need breadth,
They need things of all hue.
Things that are red,
And things that are blue.”

JUDY: [Professor Tom Wasow]:
“But how many to do?
More than a few?
That age-old riddle, things one or things two?”

[ Laughter ]

“Which plan to anoint
Is my question to you.
It’s the CUSP of the point.
It is peer review.”

[ Laughter ]

Trish [Herself]:
“Outside in the distance
The students did growl.
Two plans were approaching
And the microphones did howl…”
[Every member of the cast starts talking]

Rex [The Academic Secretary]:
“Don’t talk all at once!”

[ Laughter ]

“Please, one at a time!
It will all end well.
It will all end quite fine.
Thanks to sage Rosemary
and her parsing of time.”
[End of skit.]