I Do Declare! Mark Sanford’s Secret Parties

As you may remember, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was embroiled in a bit of a scandal this past summer. It started with Mark Sanford claiming he was going to hike the Appalachian Trail, which provoked this bit of inspired journalism from Mark McKinnon called “Sanford for President” that argued, “The South Carolina governor isn’t an irresponsible lunatic for wandering off the reservation—he just made himself a better bet for president in 2012.”

As we all remember, the nation fell in love with Gov. Sanford after his heartfelt letters appeared on South Carolina’s ominously named newspaper, The State. Then the nation snapped out of it, remembered that he was cheating on his wife with some random Argentinean woman, and subjected him to a tremendous public shaming that included a delightful, tearful press conference and interviews where he shared all kinds of lurid and embarrasing details (she was his soulmate! He “spent the last five days of [his] life crying in Argentina”! He has a son named Bolton!).

But as we all know, the cover up is always worse than the crime, so because of his forthrightness Mark Sanford was forgiven and remains a serious contender for the presidency in 2012, and his wife forgave him. Just kidding! His career is over when his term as governor ends (yes, he is still governor). Oh, and his wife not only divorced him, but wrote a memoir revealing some rather unflattering details about her ex.

There was a time though when things weren’t so bad in the South Carolina’s governor’s mansion though. A time when there was not a wikipedia page titled “Mark Sanford disappearance and extramarital affair.” A time when the parties would go on for days, and everyone would just have a ball. What kind of parties were these? Peanut parties.

There’s an argument to made that this is almost as offensive as yesterday’s proclamation because of its glaring omission of the great guru of legumes himself, George Washington Carver, who probably would have invented a television made out of peanuts if he had lived a little longer. Perhaps it was bad karma from this omission that led to Sanford’s affairs being aired in such a public and humiliating way.