Cal: Un-American and Even Worse than USC

![Former Cal Professor and Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. (Department of Motor Vehicles/The Associated Press)](/content/uploads/unabomber.jpg)
Former Cal Professor and Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. (Department of Motor Vehicles/The Associated Press)
Nearly 59 years after Senator McCarthy’s speech in Wheeling, West Virginia, I present to the Stanford community and the world a list of 35,000 names. This list contains the names of every student at the University of California at Berkeley. These are the names of card-carrying communists.

The proof is in the marijuana-laced pudding.

Reasons for this assertion are many. The Communist Party is based just blocks away. Stinky hoboes roam free. Hippies abound with their Mao and Che Guevara t-shirts as they shout out their terrorist-loving slogans. Cal is a public school–i.e. socialized education. There is a crepe shop on campus (it’s a French food, in case any real Americans were wondering).

Now that their left-leaning, America-hating tendencies have been established, you may be wondering: wWhat subversive actions have these communists been committing?

The football team is the most prominent example. Until September, Cal’s “tree-sitters,” who inhabited a tree grove that was chosen as the site for a new training center for the football team, have blocked all attempts at construction of a facility essential to any hope of salvaging Cal’s football team., After two years of wasting everyone’s time, they finally surrendered to the authorities in true cowardly communist fashion. These substance-abusing, tree-hugging, tofu-consuming, protest-attending, shower-averse hippies had bitten public officials and even flung their own feces——a trademark Marxist revolutionary tactic.

On the field, the only explanation for Cal’s consistently pitiful performance is conspiracy. Motivated by their hate of everything American, these communists have sought to destroy our nation’s love and passion. Ask yourself: how else could a school with such low admissions standards have a Rose Bowl winless streak that dates back to 1938? How else could a school with a student body more than twice the size of USC’s that graduates an abysmally low 52% of its football players still take such a beating from our rivals down south?

The conclusion that I urge upon you is simple–Cal sucks. In fact, Cal sucks even more than USC.

Down in LA, they might be spoiled, but at least they’re capitalists.

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