Each year, a group of female students performs “The Vagina Monologues” at Stanford. Each year, they scream offers for tickets at me while I’m biking through White Plaza. Each year, I bike pass and actively block their otherwise intolerable shrieks from my mind.
But this year, they’ve succeeded in grabbing my attention, and I am appalled. Today I received an email that channeled the White Plaza shrieks as it demanded, “GOT VAGINA?” Against my better judgment, I opened it. Obnoxiously large print roughly the size of a baby whale filled my screen and announced the opening of “Monologues.” Along with it, there was link to a promotional video. Viewer discretion is advised for reasons I will explain in a moment:
The makers of this video managed to encompass so much I what I dislike about Stanford all in one video. Truly, that is an accomplishment. Every second of the 3:47 video is tacky and in poor taste. Whether it’s the shiny, gold MC Hammer pants serving as the back drop or the utter lack of rhythm or the Where-is-Waldo? hats paired with the Lady Gaga tights and the Mermaid-esque skirts, the video just screams “I’m trying to be quirky, off-beat, and a rebel! Am I trying hard enough?”
Then there’s the use of nearly every slang term for vagina that one can imagine paired with the glorification of the hook-up culture. I’m tempted to classify this as on par with a Lil’ Kim performance. They’re both shamelessly nasty, but I actually think Lil’ Kim is more clever. I don’t think I’ve ever called Lil’ Kim clever, but when one is speaking in relative terms, any description becomes possible.
I cried during this video. I actually cried. It was difficult for me to watch and caused me a bit of physical discomfort. I am sorry I watched it and that is why I advised your discretion: it is dirty, it is painful, and you should really consider that before clicking. For the record, taste in your mouth will be revulsion.