Recently, the Palestinian activists staging a sit-in in White Plaza released a list of demands for the University, including round-trip airfare to Gaza upon the signing of a ceasefire.
Not wanting to miss out on the action, we at the Review have some demands of our own.
1. WE DEMAND that Stanford issues an explicit condemnation of Leland Stanford, as he is a white male and thus an oppressor, and changes its name to Gay University after the stunning and brave Claudine Gay.
2. WE DEMAND that St*nford provides dedicated resources for students harmed by final exams and papers. No student should be forced to choose between studying and leisure.
3. WE DEMAND that St*nford establishes an investigative committee to correct the injustice done to female students who are kept out of fraternities. Only men can be excluded from groups at St*nford.
4. WE DEMAND that St*nford commits to boycott, divest, and sanction all companies with logos containing the color blue. Due to the color of Israel’s flag, continuing to use blue in a logo after Israel’s unprovoked invasion of Gaza shows implicit support for the oppression of the Palestinian people.
5. WE DEMAND that St*nford commits to naming Tirien Steinbach the next President of the University.
6. WE DEMAND that St*nford takes action to transform all remaining row houses into administrative offices.
7. WE DEMAND that St*nford abolishes bathrooms. Merely making all restrooms ‘all-gender’ marginalizes students who are agender, so abolition is the only option. Students should instead relieve themselves equitably in the great outdoors.
8. WE DEMAND that St*nford removes all plates and cups from dining halls so people can only take what they can fit in their hands. This bold initiative will drastically reduce food waste and combat climate change.
10. WE DEMAND that St*nford builds a wall around Lake Lag in case it fills up to ensure students can’t endanger the nebulous salamanders by swimming or rafting in the lake.
11. WE DEMAND that St*nford follows all of the recommendations from this trailblazing Daily op-ed. In particular, the University ought to “hand out hormones like skittles” and encourage all students “to create filth, to be gay and do crimes.”
12. WE DEMAND that St*nford tears down outdated buildings like those in Main Quad and replaces them with beautiful modern buildings like those in the Law School and Tresidder.
Without such actions, St*nford will remain an enabler of the oppression of all peoples. Therefore...
13. WE DEMAND that the administration immediately accepts the aforementioned demands, and that a statement of acceptance, a timetable of implementation, and an administrative point human for each demand be presented to the Review at 6 AM on Monday, January 1 at Buffalo Wild Wings, San Jose.