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San Francisco is the City by the Bay, one of the most beautiful settings in the United States. It’s a city where thieves flock like birds, fentanyl-laced drugs flow like milk and honey, and the cool breeze blows through smashed car windows in the morning. Just lovely!
The man responsible for this paradise-on-earth is one of America’s foremost commies — literally, he was a translator for Hugo Chavez! — District Attorney Chesa Boudin. He has kept his promise to not prosecute what he calls “victimless crimes,” but unfortunately that definition seems to have gotten bigger and bigger since he got in. In San Francisco, you can get away with just about anything except serious assault or murder — drug dealers, muggers, and violent criminals walk free. Boudin is also up for recall on June 7th. With less than a week left and 67% of likely voters saying they’ll vote yes on the recall, the chances are looking good for voters to kick Chesa to the curb.
If you’re a law-abiding citizen who has felt the effects of Chesa’s soft-on-crime policies, then you’re probably overjoyed. But, if you’re a low-life, scheming criminal, Chesa’s recall should worry you. Without Chesa ordering prosecutors to drop charges, serial offenders like yourself might have to fear arrest after committing carjackings and organized retail theft. But wait, Chesa isn’t gone yet! You’ve still got time. Here are a few bucket list offenses that every swindler, miscreant, and felon can commit before their partner in crime is kicked to the curb:
Get the One Thing You’ve Yet to Shoplift from Walgreens — You have ended up on viral Fox News reports on shoplifting in SF; you’re the reason Target closes at 6 pm and CVS shut down six San Francisco stores last year. Think you’ve stolen everything that wasn’t locked away? Go back and make sure! There must be something you forgot… remember your beach towels and sandals; summer is coming up. And, don’t forget to shoplift hotdogs and burger patties for your BBQ. Meat prices are at an all-time high — you wouldn’t want to actually pay for something, would you?
Steal your Dream Car — Come on… you’ve always been a hard-working, diligent car thief, taking every car you’ve stolen straight to your friends at an underground chop shop in Oakland to make an honest living. That’s how organized auto theft rings work. Well, now it’s time to get some wheels of your own! You’ve been eyeballing the Porsche Taycan, the S-Class Maybach, and the new Range Rover. Why not treat yourself to a speedy getaway vehicle? For now, you can easily keep it and scrape off the VIN number. Just like every other type of theft, Chesa never really cared enough to stop it.
Save the Proceeds of Current Robberies for Future Bail — They say crime doesn’t pay, but it certainly does in San Francisco! Did you recently loot the Louis Vuitton, Saks Fifth Avenue, or Apple store in Union Square? Since Chesa eliminated cash bail every thief within San Francisco has had it easy. You could go from being arrested for violent assault in the morning back onto the streets in time to rob a house before sunset. But with Chesa soon gone, consider saving up the proceeds from your robberies — you might have to actually pay bail next time you get caught.
Sell the Rest of Your Drug Supply and Move to LA — You’d think in a city that had over 500 fatal fentanyl overdoses last year, the District Attorney would be concerned about drug dealing. Well, you’d be wrong! If you’re an illegal immigrant slinging fentanyl, Chesa will have you plead to a lower charge to avoid deportation — he wants more people like you in America, not less. Before the recall, dealers should sell all their fentanyl-laced heroin and move to LA, where fellow pro-crime DA George Gascón (a former SF DA) has plenty of time to encourage drug abuse before his own potential recall.
Any shoplifter, car thief, smash-and-grabber, or drug dealer should absolutely vote against the recall. After all, it would put an end to your fun… Oh, and one final thing: remember to skip your court hearing one last time. Playing hooky with SF’s justice system could actually get you imprisoned someday!
