Are you a freshman with a burgeoning desire to express your individuality? Are you looking to reinvent yourself in a meaningful capacity? Has Buzzfeed News shutting down meant that you no longer have lists of things to base your personality off of? Well, we at the Review have got you covered! Below, you’ll find a comprehensive rating of each form of transportation employed by Stanford students and what they say about the personality of their users. Maybe you’ll find a new way to get around!
Skateboarding 10/10
When it comes to getting around the farm, there is nothing more Lindy than skateboarding. Firstly, its upright standing position reflects a spirit of noble freedom: alert, yet relaxed, tense and balanced, but fluid and on the move. A eudaimonic balance between the vita contemplativa and vita activa. In one moment, the boarder relaxedly rides down Lasuen St, and in the next, he powerfully pushes with a muscular leg and impeccable balance. The posture of the boarder echoes the magnanimity of Michelangelo’s David; the cultural status of skateboarding captures the rebellious spirit of youth which made Stanford so great. You are alternative, powerful, and vital—no comments, no improvements, just Lindy.
Biking 5/10
You are an NPC. You bought a bike on the first day of class like everyone else because that’s what you were told to do. You got it second-hand off of some sketchy guy in Palo Alto. It only has one gear and the breaks are squeaky. The tires are thicker than your own forearm and the seat is set so low that you’re looking up at your handlebars like a child lost at the zoo. It will get stolen and people will laugh. Minus ten points if you wear a mask. Not Lindy.
No-hands Biking 9/10
You have transcended NPC status through sheer will of focus and balance, and have earned the right to say look Mom no hands! Your core strength is also immaculate. Bonus points if you put your hands in your pockets while you bike. Everyone is secretly jealous of your ability. You are effortless and awe-inspiring, a Jeffersonian Aristocratic Naturalis. Tour groups take photos of you as you cruise past. Just watch out for that pothole.
Electric Scooters 2/10
Scooters were made for the 12-year-old kid who was too timid to learn how to skateboard. Even though you now have the money and an adult body that can afford to learn a more dignifying form of transportation, you still choose the churlishly familiar and circumspect e-scooter. You’ve upgraded your timidity but have done nothing to improve it. Dante’s Inferno has a place for moral cowards and we’re pretty sure everyone there owned an electric scooter. It’s time to grow up! We highly suggest you get rid of this transportational crutch and get something ambitious to avoid such a fate. Not Lindy.
Rollerblades 1/10
You are trying so hard to be different in all the worst ways possible. You thought it would be cool to get rollerblades but now you are stuck with wheels on your feet. Opting out of motion is no longer an option. Fool that you are, you have trapped yourself in the very thing that was supposed to make you free. You can’t wear them inside so you have to take them off and change into normal shoes. You know how inconvenient it is and how dumb it looks but you can never go back, you can never admit that it was just a phase… you are quirky.
E-Bikes 4/10
You are either an athlete or an athlete wannabe fraud. For athletes, the uneven proportion of your large frame on a tiny bike makes you resemble an awkward Mario Kart character that will be thrown off at any turn. For everyone else: Elizabeth Holmes probably had an E-Bike. You have never done leg day in your life, and you certainly won’t start now that you have a discount motorbike that can’t go over 15mph. It will run out of battery at the most inconvenient time and you will be left without the strength to pedal a 100lb machine that is 90% dead weight. Not Lindy.
E-Skateboards 6/10
Technocratic, transhumanist, and accelerationist with a flagrant disregard for the limitations of the human experience. Having subserved contemplation to expediency, your transportation choice is a pure simulacrum of authentic skateboarding Lindy. It doesn’t quite get across the uncanny valley but still has a powerful aristocratic aura associated with it. Its unnecessary gaudiness is reminiscent of Louis XIV if he was a tech bro. Moderately Lindy.
Walking 7/10
Walking is Dionysian, pure contemplation. You have a flagrant disregard for punctuality and the world conforms to your schedule. You probably stop and smell the roses when you are already 15 minutes late to class. What we don’t fully understand: do you choose to walk? Or is there no choice but to walk? This is the only question that keeps the Review up at night. For this alone, walking is last on our list and gets a 7.
No matter your transportation choices, we hope you’ve become awakened to the fact that the way we move and live shapes the person that we are and the person we become. So on a campus full of lukewarm electric scooters, hyper-expedient e-boarders, and quirky roller-skaters, be brave and strive to skateboard… or at least let go of the handlebars for a while.
