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Much ink has been spilled over the past week about Eileen Gu, the American-born Stanford student competing for China in freestyle skiing. There is significant controversy over reports that Gu, who defected to compete for China, was likely paid close to $7 million and may have even relinquished her U.S. passport.
Large sections of the media, the country, and even Stanford students have turned on her in recent weeks. How unfortunate. Gu is not a traitor, but a true model to which all Stanford students ought to aspire.
Start with her inspirational pioneering of women’s rights. Men across the world are paid millions for their sport, while the top female athletes earn next to nothing. While many have tried, only Eileen Gu has been able to close the gender pay gap in such an elegant way. Athletes like Megan Rapinoe, for example, fought for equal pay in women’s soccer through lawsuits. Gu, the ultimate Stanford student, found the optimized solution Rapinoe could not. Rather than spend her career as the most irritable woman in America, Gu simply signed a deal with the pro-woman CCP. Rumors indicate that Rapinoe tried to compete for China, but struggled to prove to them that she was, in fact, a woman.
Gu’s bravery in standing with women has seemingly resonated across the sports world, particularly in the WNBA. For those who are unaware, the WNBA, the Wildly Negligible Basketball Association, is the most famous bankrupt business since Toys R Us. WNBA players are paid an average of $100k per year with minimum salaries around $60k. This is despite the trailblazing business model of having butch lesbians play horrible basketball for a market of high-testosterone men. The patriarchy has for too long lied to us; it tells us that the women’s pay gap is the result of a lack of interest in women’s sports. China has proven this is not the case.
One WNBA player who has had enough is Britney Griner, a world-famous marijuana-carrying lesbian who was imprisoned in Russia after unfairly being expected to follow Russian law. Griner, like Rapinoe, was unable to convince China that she was a woman, and did not make tryouts for the men’s squad. Undeterred, the warrior has signed herself back into Russian captivity. To protect the women’s sexual safety, Russia has put Griner on the men's team, but has agreed to double her WNBA salary by paying her room and board at a local motel.
Aside from championing Stanford’s feminist values on an international stage, Gu embodies every Stanford student by pretending to be in school. Gu claims to be studying quantum physics and has tied her interest in the subject to her ability to defy the laws of physics. Upon questioning, the Stanford Physics department declined to comment on the logic connecting subatomic particles and arctic gymnastics and insists it has never had the immense pleasure of teaching her. The Department of East Asian Studies, however, has strongly vouched for Gu’s academic commitment.
Gu is just like the hundreds of Stanford students who skip class to vibe-code AI tutors and automated networkers. Gu is a freestyle skier who does school on the side.
But Gu has not simply copied the Stanford model — she has perfected it. She has done so by perfecting the one skill every Stanford student lives to achieve: the grift. Yes, because inside every striver Stanford student is a grifter waiting to break free. Eileen Gu was a bit of a late bloomer, but has hit her full grifting stride this week in Milan.
Gu has not just inspired a generation of women at Stanford. In her statement explaining her decision to compete for China in 2019, she cited her desire to inspire a generation of young Chinese girls. A young girl from Beijing was asked about the inspirational effect Gu has had on her. “Ailing [Eileen] has shown me that when I grow up, I can go to America too!” The Trump administration has since responded by granting her and her entire village student visas.
Katie Ledecky, the most decorated U.S. female Olympian and Stanford alum, finally broke her silence on the matter. “I am utterly disgusted by Eileen’s decision to choose money over country. I competed as an unpaid laborer and won 14 medals for this great country.” Ledecky ended her statement saying “Tiocfaidh ár lá”, and announced that she will be accepting a $20 million deal to compete for Ireland to celebrate her maternal heritage.
To her further credit, Gu has assimilated to Chinese culture. After an event this week, Gu scoffed at the notion that she should be disappointed at winning silver. Like China, she has graciously accepted second place.
As a college, our heroes fit our culture. Princeton has Albert Einstein, for academic brilliance. Harvard has JFK for public service, and Ted Kaczynski, for unorthodox public service announcements. At Yale, in the middle of Old Campus, is a statue of Nathan Hale, Yale graduate and the first spy in American history who was caught by the British in the Revolutionary War and executed. Before they hanged him, he famously said, “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.”
At Stanford, we have a different culture, the Silicon Valley spirit. And so, Gu is a fitting representative of individualistic narcissistic hubris. Gu regrets nothing at all. She only regrets that she has one life to give for herself. Well, herself and the CCP. The puppetmaster deserves some credit.
This is the true spirit of Stanford. This is why Gu is our hero. Nay, heroine. Who needs a great American spy? Stanford would take an average Chinese spy every time.
