Finding it increasingly difficult to frighten your University-educated peers with the usual gory costumes and pranks? Fear not. This Halloween, the Stanford Review is here, armed with 5 great costume recommendations that are guaranteed to startle the Stanford student. Test them out with a quick jaunt through your local Co-Op, community center, or Comparative Literature department.
So grab your garlic and your crucifixes, it’s time for 2019’s top five ~spookiest~ Halloween costumes.
Normal clothes, but with a red baseball cap. Although hats that say “Make American Great Again” are the most frightening, fortunately, for those concerned about their personal safety, the national panic has reached a level where just about any red cap will do. This costume is especially terrifying if the wearer is a member of an oppressed minority group: as we all know, female and African American Trump supporters are fictional, terrifying spectres that only emerge on Halloween.
The Ghost of Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Skeleton costume falling a little flat? Just pop those bones in a black robe and RBG mask, and watch your classmates’ eyes glaze with terror as visions of another Trump-appointee Justice flash before them.
Sexy Junipero Serra. Why compromise between spooky and sexy? Or, for those with limited time or funding, a sign with Junipero Serra’s name written on it, posted anywhere around campus, should induce the same spine-chilling effect.
Any gun owner literally at all. What do a cowboy, British redcoat, hunter, and Indiana Jones have in common? They all carry a firearm! The average Stanford student probably cannot differentiate among a hunting rifle, a fully automatic weapon, and a historically accurate British musket, so go wild.
A Palantir employee. Who knew that wearing a "Save the Shire" t-shirt could get you accused of State Violence? This one is a twofer, because it can double as a costume of a former Review writer succeeding in the workplace.
But wait! There’s more. As a bonus, in honor of his impending visit to this proud campus, we feel obligated to include the most frightening costume of all: the 5'7", violin playing, Sabbath observing, and statistics-wielding... Ben Shapiro. Even the sight of his smug smile inspires such terror in students they have regressed into vandalizing middle-schoolers, writing long angsty notes about their feelings, and even, in one particularly egregious case, drawing penises on his face. Costume best accompanied by quiet, Satanic chanting of “facts don’t care about your feelings.”
Bear in mind, of course, that all of these costumes are being photographed and stored away in some dark, musty corner of the internet. So use with caution, unless, of course, you plan on running for office on a liberal platform, in which case, nothing can hurt you.
Lastly, we recommend that Row houses set the tone for the evening with spine-chilling Halloween decorations. That means swapping out your bloodied scythe for a golf club, and your giant stuffed spiders for the ever-controversial American flag. Or, to really give Stanford students a fright, a Sailing coach who pops out of the bushes to tell you (with an evil cackle) that your parents bribed him and your admission has been rescinded. Admit it. You jumped a little.