The Student Body Has Spoken–We Want More Weird Sculptures!

Stanford University is notorious for its historically barren and ugly campus. We are glad that the administration has finally taken notice and decided to fund some upgrades. 

Even though there are countless other places our tuition could be going—building more undergrad dorms, installing AC in the rooms, increasing funding for The Stanford Review, to name a few—I think all of these pale in comparison to the boring and arid campus we are forced to live in.

Some students who were particularly passionate about fixing Stanford’s lame campus spoke out to Review reporters: One student in the class of ‘26 told reporters  “If I have to see one more boring, stupid tree while sitting outside of Green, I’m going to lose my mind.” She went on to elaborate about how the underwhelming view of boring bushes and construction sites from Coupa are even beginning to affect her schoolwork. 

Further emphasizing the importance of this topic, one freshman said, “The only way I can possibly bear all this nature is with a couple of enormous weirdly colored, brutalist, sculptures scattered around.” 

If you are anything like these students who are unhappy with the looks of Stanford, and you share their inherent desire for something large, something green, and something that looks like two frisbees leaning against one another, then you’re in luck. 

Wake up, breathe in the fresh air, and check out the new sculpture across from Green Library. 

Nicknamed ‘Moldy Focaccia,’ the sculpture has worked to alleviate students’ constant midterm stress and all around raise spirits on campus. Coupa employees have more orders than ever, the sun has come out above the Oval, and nobody seems to care about that inexplicable foul smell of the sprinklers. 

Stanford is finally doing their best to right the wrong sculpture choices they’ve made in the past. 

Say goodbye to the Rodin sculpture garden (yawn). We’re in a new age and we need our sculptures to reflect this–the modern world looks and feels a lot more like the recently deposed Churro sculpture from last year than Rodin’s Gates of Hell. 

In light of Stanford’s clear display they can afford new sculptures, the Review wants to propose a couple of future builds: 

First, a ten-foot-tall, hot pink, metal cage built around Rodin’s The Burghers of Calais entitled “Canceled!” We need to work to rectify this sculpture's ugly implications. Finally, we shall fight back against the cisheteronormative message that these six men are heroes. Can we have some representation for the women heroes all around the world? Kamala Harris, Michelle Obama, and whoever else they can come up with can certainly be our modern age Burghers.

Second, we propose that we spice up Palm Drive to make it a little bit more Stanford. Standing there and looking around, one can’t help but think “Why the hell are these trees not cardinal red?” So, let’s fix this. Repaint those lame palm trees cardinal red and let Palm Drive scream “STANFORD!” to the world. 

Finally, inspired by the sculpture across from FloMo, we pose a larger-than-life yellow sculpture of two (enthusiastically consenting!) adults in position #6 of the Kama Sutra. At Stanford, we need to express our sexuality, and if anything, this is truly beyond sex-ed. I suppose we would also be okay with positions #2, #14, or #31. 

There is plenty of room for improvement on this campus, so we would be totally thrilled with the addition of a couple of random metal spheres, some brutalist teepees, or maybe a Jeff Koons-esque huge balloon animal or two.

All in all, the Stanford University student body has been resounding in its support for this initiative and the many other indescribably abstract sculptures that decorate our campus. We absolutely adore the charmingly strange green frisbees, the amazingly unsubtle red fountain outside of Green, and that red thing near Crothers.

Stanford, give us more!